Wow! It has been a while since I blogged last. Life has been busy to say the least. I now have a 20 month old and the fact that she will be a TWO year old in 4 months is becoming a reality. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was holding her in my arms in the hospital bed the night she was born. Time really does fly.
For the first four months of her life, I was in a constant state of being overwhelmed. I would call Jeremy begging him to come home because I was just so tired and drained. She woke up every 2 hours at night until she was four months old. In the midst of that, I felt like I had been thrust into motherhood a few years too soon. I didn't feel like I was going to be able to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. But looking back on those months, I see that the Lord was testing & teaching me patience. For those who do not know my Rylee very well, she is quite the busy body! She is constantly doing something and is always going full speed. She requires a lot of attention & patience. I love my time with her. She is my little buddy and definitely momma's girl! After she turned 4 months, she started sleeping 8-9 hours a night which, as you can imagine, was a huge relief. I just wanted to sleep & finally I could. Once she started sleeping thru the night she was a very easy baby. She wasn't as fussy anymore and I wasn't either ;) The days of being overwhelmed had come to an end. Sure! We had some bad days but they were a lot less frequent.
Yesterday, for whatever reason, Rylee had a very rough day. She was cranky, whiny, emotional and nothing I did seemed to help. It was also a day that I felt like nothing was going quite right. Our weekly trip to the grocery store on Monday's was an absolute disaster. Our cable wasn't working so when it came time for her to watch her show at 1 and we couldn't she had a meltdown. I burned myself making dinner. It was just one thing after another. I felt overwhelmed. Nap time rolled around and that's usually my devotional time but I just found myself starring at the pages, not interested at all in what they had to offer me.
Sometimes as mothers or even just WOMEN, we try to be something we aren't. Sometimes we feel less than because one of our friends makes her own baby food but you buy store bought. Cooks dinner every night but you don't. Dresses nice all the time but you like wearing a tshirt & jeans. Has a nicer house than you might. All of these things are materialistic. None of them matter in your child's eyes. When Rylee was eating baby food, I made my own. Not because I felt like a better mother but because I just chose to. I remember a conversation I had with a friend about baby food and I mentioned that I made my own and how easy it is. She replied with "Well, I guess you're a better mom & wife than I am because I just buy store bought." I laughed it off and really didn't think anything of it at the moment. Later that night I was thinking about it and my heart was sad that she felt that way. I was frustrated at myself for not saying something to lift her spirits. Fact of the matter is that your child doesn't care about if their food comes from the store out of a jar or if it's the freshest, best, most organic, homemade baby food you can get your hands on. What matters to your child is your love. Rylee won't remember that I made her baby food or that I always had the cutest outfits for her to wear. What she will remember is the love & attention I gave her on a daily basis. As I closed my devo book yesterday and said out loud to myself "I'll do it later", I felt the Lord whisper to my spirit "Your love for her is enough." And even now, writing this my heart feels full. My eyes are welling with tears. No matter what kind of materialistic things I can offer my children, what really matters is my love. That alone is enough. So if you're feeling weary, tired, drained, emotional... Just know that those small moments of kisses of the cheek, tickles on the floor, quite cuddles in the rocking chair, coloring together at the table- those moments are what matter.
I leave you with a verse a friend of mine posted on facebook yesterday that filled my heart instantly because that was the moment that I felt God's peace amidst a hectic day...
"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live."
